All these precious tidbits are in the current issue of Medicine Net Daily News.

MNDN reports that kids’ reeding and Meth skills are tied to future success. Who wood have suspected that? And why are they giving kids tests on meth anyway?

In another startling article, MNDN says people should bake with less sugar. Was that article cleared with Woody Allen?

A new drug aids memory in butterflies suffering from Al’s problems with Zeimer. Or was that drug tested on mice?

Kids who spend more time in the gym and less time eating potato chips get very strong. Who can stand to read all these shocking developments?

Testosterone supplements hurt male fertility. Sorry, dear, you’ll have to get a surrogate for me.

MNDN recommends sharpening our driving skills. But I don’t know why. something to do with fewer accidents? Who knows?

Do you know that a new drug aids memory in houseflies suffering from Parkinson’s Disease? Or did I tell you that already?

I am really angry with Angelina Jolie not clearing her double mastectomy with me before going ahead with it. But why should I worry? We broke up 6 months ago.

My so-called “joke of the week” posts have become pretty sporadic but I like the title and I’ll keep it. This joke was sent to me by the redoubtable Leonard Carrier, master commentator.

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The Yellow Light

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me To Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.”

I had a 36 hour pass and since I was stationed at Ft. Dix, New Jersey, it was a quick bus ride home. For some reason, instead of going to my actual home, I found myself in an apartment on Howard Avenue in the heart of Brownsville. Believe me, I have no idea why. Five guys were standing around naked. One stood on a small ottoman, playing the Mozart clarinet concerto while below him a young woman was sucking on his penis with real vigor. I remember it was causing him some difficulty hitting all the right notes, and he almost fell off. I knew only one of these five guys and that fellow was singing his own version of the famous Neapolitan street song, Funiculi, Funicula popularized by Mario Lanza. Only this guy was substituting the words “stinky finger, stinky finger.” Granted that in this company, I was out of my depth so I stood there amazed, (astounded and astonished, too) for ten minutes or so and then left. Someone called, “Don’t leave until you first have some hits of mary jane (marijuana). Politely I declined, as I always did and still do. The episode was short but the memory lingers on.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJd-SHzqUC4 If you can sing even a lick [pardon the expression in this context] you’ll know when you should jump in with the revised lyrics.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3EJqvKhYzY A half hour of your time well spent. That woman. What’s her name, who sleeps in my bed every night went to college on a full scholarship because she could play this damn thing like nobody’s business.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AB6U3rzcGkU

Every day I receive a message from some organization that calls itself BIBLE VERSE. Very inspiring stuff, I guess. I dare not block these messages for fear that the Big Guy will strike me dead. This morning, I received a very odd message and I can’t decide whether it is sardonic humor or a genuine plea. Can someone tell me, please?

“A Prayer For An Eternal Perspective”

Jesus, my load becomes lighter as I consider that the ongoing toil and labor of this life is only for a season. The daily struggle of meeting deadlines, employee relations, putting out fires, pleasing customers and bosses can be overwhelming and very frustrating, let alone the growing pile of dirty clothes that awaits me at home. Though I’ve asked for Your divine intervention many times some of these recurring irritants will not go away in my life’s work. May the sufficient grace of Your Holy Spirit grant me an enduring and victorious attitude even in the midst of these toilsome labors. Remind me again that Your blessings far outnumber the troubles of this day and that divine rest is promised to those who are faithful to the end. In Your name, Jesus, I pray. Amen.

Well, I’ll be a beef tomato’s 2nd cousin if I can figure that one out.

She’s feisty, plucky, intrepid, spirited, dauntless, gutsy, spunky, and usually keeps her promises. You know who she is but I cannot mention her name. Hints: she has shared my bed for a couple of decades and she is highly regarded as a scholar and teacher at a certain “college” [sic] in southeastern Michigan. She is 73 years old and has the same light red hair she has had all her life. God hasn’t got the guts to put gray hairs on her head.

She promises (or threatens) to start a new career in a dozen years – A BANK ROBBER! I really don’t know why; I guess she is getting bored, having been a college professor since age 22 (around the age I was being let out of junior high school). She no longer tools around the world by foot but goes everywhere via her scooter. (I can’t keep up.) She figures nobody will want to apprehend, arrest and send her to jail. In any case, with her speedy scooter, she can be out of the bank faster than you can gulp down a glass of bourbon, which is about the same time it takes her to swallow a bottle full. Don’t mess with her over the cocktail hour!

Is she right? Is it true that cops won’t pursue an 85-year old bank robber cruising around on a 7 MPH scooter? Is it true that when the bailiff announces, “Here come de judge,” the judge’s sides will be splitting with laughter and he will toss the case against her right out? Should I worry? What inclines me not to worry is that since I am more than half a decade her senior, I am not anticipating being around to watch what may turn out to be the greatest crime fiasco since Tawana Brawley accused nearly all mankind of trying to rape her. This time, if I am alive, I won’t laugh, as I did in the Tawana days. I wish the lady well because I really do think it is never too late to start over.

The Jewish ELBOW

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit her.

“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside. The elevator is on the right. Get in,
and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

“What . . . .. .. You’re coming empty handed?”

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The Smart Blonde

An attractive blonde arrived at the casino.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much
luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped off all her clothes and rolled the dice on a $20,000 bet. She yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged
each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

Discovery Channel has favored us with a list of the 100 greatest Americans ever. It is NOT a terrible list and, if I had the patience to draw up one of my own, I suspect that at least half these greatest Americans would crack my own list of top 5000. As it is, I didn’t spot the names of any persons I would put in my top 1000. Dear Reader: Do you see any person you would put in your top 1000? If so, send it (them) on in a comment.

Rank Name Profession / reputation Died
1 Ronald Reagan president during 1980′s 2004
2 Abraham Lincoln president who abolished slavery 1865
3 Martin Luther King Jr. assassinated anti-segregation activist 1968
4 George Washington independence leader, first president 1799
5 Ben Franklin founding father, inventor 1790
6 George W. Bush current president [Obviously, this list is a bit dated.]
7 Bill Clinton liberal president during 1990′s
8 Elvis Presley rock / blues singer 1977
9 Oprah Winfrey talk-show host
10 Franklin D. Roosevelt president during WW2 1945

Top 11 through 25

11 Billy Graham evangelical Christian preacher
12 Thomas Jefferson founding father, president 1826
13 Walt Disney animation pioneer, founder of Dinsey corp. 1966
14 Albert Einstein scientist, founder of theory of relativity 1955
15 Thomas Edison inventor of the light bulb, film projector, and many other things 1931
16 John F. Kennedy liberal president who served during early 1960′s 1963
17 Bob Hope actor / comedian 2003
18 Bill Gates founder of Microsoft Corporation
19 Eleanor Roosevelt first lady, wife of Franklin Roosevelt, human rights activist 1962
20 Lance Armstrong Tour-de-France champion cyclist
21 Muhammaed Ali boxer
22 Rosa Parks anti-segregation activist
23 Wilbur and Orville Wright inventors of the airplane 1948, 1912
24 Henry Ford automobile technology pioneer, founder of Ford Auto Co. 1947
25 Neil Armstrong astronaut, first man to walk on the moon

Top 26 through 75

Discovery Channel did not reveal the ordered rankings of the next batch. Here they are in alphabetical order:

rank Name Profession / reputation Died
? Maya Angelou poet, civil rights activist
? Susan B. Anthony female suffrage activist 1906
? Lucille Ball actress 1989
? Alexander Graham Bell purported inventor of the telephone 1922
? Barbara Bush first lady, wife of George H.W. Bush
? George H.W. Bush conservative president during 1990′s
? Laura Bush current first lady
? Andrew Carnegie businessman, philanthropist 1919
? Johnny Carson comedian, talk show host 2005
? Jimmy Carter liberal president during 1970′s, human rights activist
? George Washington Carver agriculture scientist 1943
? Ray Charles soul / gospel musician 2004
? Ceasar Chavez union leader, labor activist 1993
? Hillary Clinton current senator, former first lady, wife of Bill Clinton
? Bill Cosby comedian, actor
? Tom Cruise actor
? Ellen DeGeneres actress
? Frederick Douglass anti-slavery activist 1895
? Amelia Earhart pilot 1937
? Clint Eastwood actor, director
? John Edwards senator, Vice-president nominee in 2004
? Dwight D. Eisenhower Allied commander during WW2, president during 1950′s 1969
? Brett Favre football player
? Mel Gibson actor, director
? Rudolph Guliani Mayor of New York City during September 11, 2001
? John Glenn astronaut, senator
? Alexander Hamilton founding father, first treasury secretary 1804
? Tom Hanks actor
? Hugh Hefner founder of Playboy magazine
? Katherine Hepburn actress 2003
? Howard Hughes pilot, eccentric millionaire 1976
? Michael Jackson pop singer
? Steve Jobs founder of Apple Computers
? Lyndon Johnson president during 1960′s 1973
? Michael Jordan basketball player
? Helen Keller author 1968
? Robert F. Kennedy assassinated senator and brother of John Kennedy 1968
? Jacqueline Kennedy first lady, wife of John Kennedy 1994
? Rush Limbaugh conservative radio talk-show host
? Charles Lindbergh pilot 1974
? George Lucas director, creator of Star Wars
? Madonna singer, actress
? Malcom X assassinated radical black activist 1965
? Dr. Phil McGraw self-help author
? Marilyn Monroe actress 1962
? Michael Moore director, author, left-wing activist
? Audie Murphy WW2 soldier, actor 1971
? Richard Nixon conservative president during 1970′s 1994
? Barack Obama current senator
? Jesse Owens Olympic sprinter
? George Patton WW2 allied commander 1945
? Colin Powell general, Secretary of State
? Christopher Reeve actor, handicapped rights activist 2004
? Condeleezza Rice current Secretary of State
? Jackie Robinson first black professional baseball player 1972
? Theodore Roosevelt progressive president during late 19th century 1919
? Babe Ruth baseball player 1948
? Carl Sagan astronomer 1996
? Jonas Salk inventor of Polio cure 1995
? Arnold Schwarzenegger bodybuilder, actor, current Governor of California
? Frank Sinatra jazz singer 1998
? Joseph Smith Jr. founder of Mormonism 1844
? Stephen Spielberg director
? Jimmy Stewart actor 1997
? Martha Stewart cooking / homemaking TV show host, businesswoman
? Nikola Tesla electricity pioneer 1943
? Pat Tillman pro football player, slain soldier in War on Terror 2004
? Harry S. Truman president during 40′s and 50′s 1972
? Donald Trump businessman, reality TV show host
? Harriet Tubman anti-slavery activist 1913
? Mark Twain author 1910
? Sam Walton founder of Wal-Mart
? John Wayne actor 1979
? Tiger Woods golf champion
? Chuck Yeagar pilot, first man to break the sound barrier

I am indebted to reader Irving Guberman for this delightful story which so niftily explains the American legal system.
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This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that
the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

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This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nk2X7zwMX3k

Some people will look upon these two jokes as antisemitic. Certainly, they capitalize on two stereotypes that I happen to find riotously funny.

The first circulated in Russia about 60 years ago.

What’s the shortest Soviet joke? Answer: Jewish athlete.

The second is: Why did God make Christians? Answer: Somebody has to pay retail prices.

S: We need to have that conversation.
J: Yes, the situation is urgent.
S: I will begin……..J: Good. What do you think?
J: Well, for starters, I say the country needs to have a conversation on this pressing issue.
S: Which one is that? ………J: The one for which the whole nation is calling for a conversation.
J: I agree. I’ll begin……..S: What do you think?
J: That we need to have a national conversation……….S: Right on! This is good.
J: And you? What do you think?………..S: Conversation. Meaningful dialogue. The only way to get someplace.
J: Correct. The conversation must begin right now! Already, I’m feeling better about things.
S: What things do you mean?……..J: Conversational matters. Don’t you feel the progress?
S: Yes. Conversation is good………..J. Perhaps we should continue tomorrow. Throw in some dialogue, too.
S. Not at this point. Let’s finish the conversation before we move on.
J: Absolutely right!

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Clever Conversation – Billy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPiK_yGG8ag