Whenever I go to a “doctor”, a nurse asks me to rate my pain on a scale from 1 to 10.

Whether she realizes it or not, this is an invitation to philosophy.  I try to explain to her that my 4 may be somebody else’s 5.   Etc.   Worse yet, the numbers, I point out, don’t mean anything until they are translated into English.   So I ask, “What does 4 mean?”   She tells me what that means.  So I say, “Nope.  That’s not it.  Explain 3 to me.”   She again offers an explanation.   Again, I say, “Nope.  Maybe, we should go higher.”     “5?” she politely asks.   “What’s that?”   She explains.     “I think we’ve overshot it.  Do you have a place on your chart for 4.6?”   She says that she doesn’t. “Well” I gently prod her, “I think you need such a place.  What do you suppose 4.6 would be like?”    She is growing irritable and says she doesn”t have a goddam clue.

SG: “Don’t get testy, please.  I’m only trying to be cooperative.”

She says: “Let’s move on.  How long have you had the pain?”      ”THE pain?  That depends.  If you mean the pain as it exists on the 4.6 level, I’ve only had it for about 10 minutes.  I made this appointment because, off and on for a couple of weeks, I have had pain in this spot in the 4.3305 range.  That’s just a crude guess, of course.   But I have had pains in that same spot that have been anywhere – I’m only guessing now – that have varied all the way from 3.025 to 4.93303.  As best, that is, as I can remember.  This range of pain has been going on for about 18 days and 4 hours.  I say “about” because I am just wondering if you need greater accuracy.   I can go home and consult my records, if you think that is a good idea.

Nurse:  Never mind.  The doctor will see you in about 4 to 5 minutes.

SG: When you say “about 4 to 5 minutes” can I take that as definitely ruling out 3 minutes or 15?

In a flash, maybe in about 4.55 seconds, best I can guess, she is out the door without giving me the answer.  I haven’t a clue as to why.