As it truly happens to be the case that I know four men who have reached the rank of Colonel in the U.S. Army, you will not be able to track down the source of my information. The colonel in question says that according to David Petraeus, Ph.D. Princeton, Commander, U.S. Central Command, former Commanding General, Multi-National Force – Iraq (MNF-I) from January 26, 2007 to September 16, 2008, General George C. Marshall Award winner as the top graduate of the U.S. Army Command and General Staff College—class of 1983, etc., ad infinitum, and keeper of the mayonnaise jar in which Funk and Wagnall’s dictionary is stored on Johnny Carson’s back porch, 75 percent of Americans aged 17 to 24 are ineligible to enlist, let alone receive an officer’s commission, due to a combination of obesity, poor education, drug use and criminal records.

What to make of that?  Having located an old bottle of Schweppes Bitter Lemon given to me by the gracious Commander Whitehead, I swallowed the news and the brew together and I now pronounce the news curiously refreshing.   Who, in his right mind, would have put the percentage below 85%?   Unless it is a national security secret – which most likely it is- I would like a more fine-grained analysis.  In particular, what percentage of Americans are unfit to serve because they are obese?

I am also curious to know whether the old Annapolis standards circa 1951-1954 still apply.   In those days, one could not be appointed to a position of a navel officer if one was “extremely ugly.”  What percentage of Americans were eliminated on that basis?   You will surely recall that Mr. Roberts and Ensign Pulver had no problems but that Chief Petty Officer Dowdy was an NCO.   The Chief swore up and down he was really the actor Ward Bond and could make himself look human if he wanted to.   That defense was dismissed as increiblé.

Men have come a long way, Baby.  They leave movie theaters with soaked handkerchiefs, they eat quiche, they smoke Virginia Slim cigarettes, they drink Pink Ladies, they wear aprons when washing dishes, and they, too, fake orgasms.    But will they do whatever it takes to satisfy General Petraeus, Ph.D., and prove they are really worthy of driving his jeep?   It’s all very exciting.  Stay tuned  - to WEAF.