3.1418
No, I am not reciting the value of pi as far as Fibonacci bothered to calculate it. I am doing what Lenny himself wisely did – just stopping. Lenny Fibonacci (circa 1200) was a great fan of Harry Stotle, the Master of Thought, He Who Knows, the Genius of Geniuses and owner of the finest delicatessen in downtown Athens about 350 years before the Great Crucifixion. The Great Crucifixion ended Harry’s reign as the Most Admired Man in the World. Harry would not have minded. But I digress.
The important thing is that Harry once said we should not seek for more precision than the nature of the subject allows. That’s Harry, for you. However, we have just suffered through another winter Olympics and witnessed people being assigned scores carried out with eye-popping precision for their triple axels and other mind-boggling feats. What would Harry and Lenny make of the fact that pi has now been calculated to beyond half a million decimal places? Well, I ‘ll tell you. They would have asked, “Why?” What would they have made of the scoring for triple axels? They’d have shrugged and said, “Whatever.”
In any case, I’m in the mood for math – simply because it is near me. In other words, it is OSCAR TIME! Tonight, tonight, I’ll calculate tonight. In fact, so long as Harry is not standing over me in that morose way of his, with a ruler ready to rap my knuckles, I am going to sing to you The Way it Was. In other words, I refuse to be more laconic than I need to be. (Did Harry warn against being more loquacious than the subject demands?)
I know as well as the next person that the fact that a movie has been awarded the Oscar for being Best Picture of the Year is NOT proof that it is awful, although it does provide us with a fairly strong presumption in that regard. So let us, in trembling anticipation of tonight’s celebration of itself by the Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences review the Academy’s selections for the Award of Awards since 1990. I could simply give ratings like Awful, Terrible, Bad and Dull-Witted but, ignoring the well-established wisdom of Harry and Lenny, I’ll grade past movies as though they were triple-axel performers at Showtime. Heeeeere we go.
1990 – Closing out the decade (unless you are mathematically challenged) we find Dances with Wolves. Verily, I say unto thee, it is no use trying to make a career out of hating Kevin Costner because you would have to get at the end of a very long line. Will you be upset if I give it a modest ranking of 5.530515?
1991 – The Silence of the Lambs. Like Brooke Shields, Jody Foster turned down several Nobel Prizes in chemistry, and physics as well as the Fields medal in mathematics to pursue an acting career. On the basis of this “chew ‘em up or swallow them whole – exactly as you like”, movie she made a big mistake. Anthony Hopkins, per usual, squints throughout. A fleshy, medium rare 5.09623. You couldn’t get JoEllen Vinyard to watch this one on the promise of $10,000. It would have made a vegetarian out of her. Right, she was.
1992 - Unforgiven. You either like the music of Kyle Eastwood or you don’t. I do. Beats High Noon. What? You say that Kyle did not write the music for this one? There you go – ignoring Harry. And that guy with the leathery skin. Who outside an asylum unter Anleitung des Herrn de Sade doesn’t love him? 9.121234.
1993 – Schindler’s List. Oscar Schindler was no Raoul Wallenberg but he gave it his best shot. Can’t say the same for this tedious movie and its notorious, fraudulent “Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings”director, trillionaire Steven S. A bighearted 6.4331.
1994 – Forrest Gump. Beyond the Pale. Where is Stalin when you need him? 3.911.
1995 – Braveheart. Sorry, I couldn’t bear to drag myself even as far as my own couch to watch this one. However, I am sure, even without viewing it, it deserves at least 0.995.
1996 – The English Patient. Heavy duty romance. Nothing to interest me but, objectively speaking, not bad. 8.85 is reasonable.
We could do more, and at another time we will. But for now I have to get the popcorn. As you watch tonight, take heart because I will be sitting there alongside you. You won’t be able to see me but you will feel me, holding your hand and giving it loving squeezes. So brush your teeth and keep that breathless smile. I know I am going to love you just the way you look tonight.
***********************************
Yes, I’ll be sitting alongside you, (with Molly Jenson), and if this song doesn’t bring tears to your eyes, you are probably the kind of moron who thinks Palestrina and Monteverdi had talent for music. Click on Here’s Molly.
**********************************
Don’t ask me why, you rotten precision readers, but I am not only listing this post under Entertainment but cross-listing it under Art.
I’m shocked by this post. I haven’t seen an Awards ceremony since “Wings” won for best picture. I’d rather watch a three-hour infomercial for Ginsu knives. How could anyone have been entertained by the spectacle of Hattie McDaniel receiving the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress and tearfully promising to be a credit to her race?
As I write this, the ceremony is in full gush on ABC. I am avoiding Bob Hope’s leer, even though this year’s broadcast is in living color.
Instead, I will list my all-time 10 best.
1. Stars and Stripes Forever, for the sole reason that Debra Paget dances in long underwear.
2. La Strada “Ladies and gentleman, here is a chain a quarter of an inch thick, made of crude iron, stronger than steel. By the simple expansion of my pectoral muscles, or chest, that is, I will break the hook. Stand back because there may be blood.”
3. Dr. Strangelove “There will be no fighting in the War Room.” “Well, all right, but you’ll have to answer to the Coca-Cola Corporation.”
4. Citizen Kane
5. Pinocchio
6. The Grapes of Wrath Wherever they’re showing it, I’ll be there.
7. Sunset Boulevard The movies sure did get small. You’ll find nothing in my list that was made after 1964.
8. Four Feathers (1939) “There were the Russians — guns, guns, guns. Here were the British — a thin red line. When the firing had ceased, there was Faversham… and there was Faversham… and there was Faversham. ‘Faversham!’ I said. ‘Pull yourself together!’”
9. Swing Time Best dancing ever by the best dancer ever. A snatch of song lyric from the film is quoted in the post, above.
10. A Streetcar Named Desire Here is a case where I separate the man (Kazan) from his art.
1. If these comments are meant for My Eyes Only, then fine. Nobody else is likely to understand your “Grapes of Wrath” remark.
2. I need to know precisely how old you are. I will use it to estimate my own age of which I have lost track other than my knowing I am several months older than you. It is depressing to learn you are old enough to have watched the Awards ceremony for Wings.
3. I promise to get the Debra movie to watch Ms. P dancing in long underwear.
4. If you continue to insist that Pinocchio is one of your favorite movies then pretty soon your apartment won’t be big enough for both you and your nose.
5. You can separate the man from his art to your heart’s content. My objection is that it is the man who goes home with the prizes and money.
I am precisely 102 years, 3 months, 1 week, 4 days, 3 hours, 17 minutes, and, uh, 36 seconds old. If it’s accuracy you want, I was born on Emil Zatopek’s birth date, 12 years after His birth.
If you watch Debra at your age, you’ll suffer my fate: I passed out from joy, and when I got up there was a chalk outline of me on the floor.
In case you were suspicious about the dialogue from Four Feathers, it was heavily embroidered with material from Don Adam’s standup parody of the flick in the late 1950s.
To further aggravate you, I think Pinocchio takes a nice subversive shot at the Jonah and whale Bible story.
To object, at this late date, to bad men going home with the prizes and the money and the Pagets is to betray pathological innocence.