We bring you, now in its 700th consecutive season, the very worthy successor of Joey Addison and Dick Steele’s The Spectator, which ran out of steam in 1712.   I mean, of course, that Idiot’s Delight, Consumer Reports. I, of course, have been reading it nonstop for over half a century.  But what does that prove that you didn’t know already?

Have you ever noticed that CR has a fetish with interior paints and latex?   Hot diggity. I am swelling – and I don’t mean with pride……..Oh, let’s not get vulgar.  Here’s what is happening in the March issue.

1. Letters to “Ask Our Experts” - “How do I know whether I should start annual mammography at 40?”   Just in case you have been on an extended journey to Mars for the last 40 years, I am going to tell you the CR answer:  ”Talk with your doctor about your needs and concerns.”  Okay!  Now, we’re getting somewhere.

2. Next letter: “The batteries for my cordless drill are dying.  What do I do?”   Oh, no.  Let’s move on to another section.

3. “What’s the best bread?”  CR will tell you.   Me?   I won’t.

4. “Okay.  Will you tell me whether I should buy Glad bags or Hefty?”   No, screw you.  Go buy your own subscription.   My advice?   Talk with your doctor about your needs and concerns.

5. “I think I saw a headline on a news stand on a corner of McLean Avenue in the Bronx or Yonkers or Mumbai.   It went like this –  ”The lowdown on high-fructose corn syrup.”   I am begging you, Gendin, tell me about this one.  Oh my oh my, the Lowdown.”    Okay. You’re out of luck if you are trying to decide from among Heinz Tomato Ketchup, Wishbone Deluxe French Dressing, and Dannon “Fruit at the Bottom” Yogurt.     All will kill you.

6.  Now for something a little different AND important.  Your local bank is probably paying you 3/4 of 1% interest on deposits, but Colorado Federal is offering 1.5%.   I checked with Fibonacci of pi fame and he assures me that is double.    So, if you keep $5,000 in your account then, after 30 years, you should have at least an extra $1200 via Colorado.   Not much, you say?   Just watch Harry Connick and hot Kelli O’Hara show how wrong you are when they sing “7 and 1/2 cents isn’t a helluva lot” from Pajama Game.

7. What’s it going to be?  Vicks 44 or Robitussin Maximum Strength?    More lowdown.  Save your money.  Just drink warm liquids.   This magazine IS GREAT!

8.  For how long have you been pondering the Hamlet-like question, “Bagged salad or not bagged salad?”    Well, forget Consumer Reports on this one (although, naturally, it has its own answer).  No sane person eats lettuce, whether from a bag or not.  That’s strictly for Hazel of Watership Down fame.  And where did it get him?   A trip to rabbit heaven in the final two pages.   Sans 72 virgins.

9.  Any coffee fans out there?   Believe me, if you worked in Yonkers, NY along with the rest of the CR staff, you would drown yourself in the stuff.   Chills go up and down my spine every time I drive past McLean Avenue on the Major Deegan Highway.   In order to fortify themselves, the staffers sampled 100 brands.  Sure enough, they liked some more than others.  You don’t care, I don’t care and even they didn’t care, so why should I report the results?

10.  Interior paints in this issue?    Of course.  Read all about them pp 41-42.

11. Yes, Virginia, there is a difference among carpet cleaners.  So long as CR continues to exist and so long as it is devoted to the highest beauty and joy, you know to whom you can turn for true knowledge.  Your little friends are wrong to be skeptical.  We should have no enjoyments without a clean carpet.  The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.   Not believe in clean carpets! You might as well not believe in fairies!   Please turn to page 44 all the way through 49 and discover the joy of freshness.

12. TVs and cars?  Yes, they are all there.    Cars speak for themselves, especially Toyotas, but you need to know your pixels and resolutions when buying a TV set.  Do you want 120 hz or will only 240 Hz do?    And how about 1080p vs. 720p?   Do you really need a high-priced HDMI cable?   Do you even know what that is?    After CR gets finished with you, you will know.    Will it be plasma or ….?  [Sorry, I forgot the other type.]

As Abby Hoffman advised, STEAL THIS MAGAZINE.

***********

This post is cross-listed under “This and That” and “War.”