The battle is drawn. In Parawon, Utah, 2,790 well-armed but stupid humans against 3,435 unarmed but very clever prairie dogs. About 40 million prairie dogs live in the USA, all without documented evidence of citizenship. We are entitled to do as Parawon city councilman Dennis Gaede says we should do, annihilate them. I wasn’t sure what he meant so I looked up “annihilate” and found such terms of endearment as “liquidate,” “obliterate,” and “wipe off the face of the earth.” I say, RIGHT ON, DENNIS.
These little gangsters are destroying lawns, burrowing under airports in a way that buckles runways, tunneling into cemeteries and chewing up coffins (and maybe corpses). These indignities can only be described as NOT NICE. To be sure we do the job right, I call for intense nuclear bombing of all that part of the USA that is west of Chicago. If you think we should include Chicago among the targets, that’s fine with me. I do regret that, if we take this action, Frank Sinatra is no longer with us, for I can’t think of a more deserving victim of nuclear holocaust.
How will the war end? At the moment, thanks to the fact that Utah prairie dogs are a special set of prairie dogs and, as such, listed under the Endangered Species Act, annihilation measures are illegal. More’s the pity because that means these Bad Guys are guaranteed to be the ultimate winners. In calling this disaster guaranteed, a note of sanguinity creeps into my voice because I fondly remember that agnostics have told us nothing is certain. [In fact, they have proved that beyond a shadow of a doubt. For more on the triumph of the agnostic way of life, see op.cit, loc. cit, ibid, vide infra, and "Your mother's mustache."]