Let’s Add To Bloomberg’s List

The mayor NY wants to ban sugary drinks in NY restaurants and movie theaters.  51% of Democrats support him. I have a few preference of mine that I would like to see made into law:

1. I want a ban on election campaigns starting more than one weeks before any election.
2. I want a means test – nobody with under $1 million should be allowed to vote except for dogcatcher.
3. I want salaries of all public officials not to exceed by 10% whatever is the mean annual income of those who sleep under bridges.
4. I want all persons who refer to the President of the U.S. as commander-in-chief to do a six months tour of duty in a combat zone in Afghanistan.
5. In accordance with the implied (but so far unstated) wishes of The Woman Whose Name May Not Be Mentioned On This Blog,, I want no marrying, fraternizing, dating, or polite conversation at social gathering between Republican men and Democratic women.
6. I call for an 85% reduction in the retail prices of scotch, bourbon, and all wines so that The Woman Whose Name May Not Be Mentioned On This Blog can have the kind of uninhibited fun she craves.
7. I want no blacks, homosexuals, Chinks, Nips, white persons with European blood, heterosexuals who hate homosexuals, people who have no supply of anabolic performance enhancing drugs to give to me free of charge, or people who vote in elections coming to my house for any reason whatsoever. Toss in freaks who are vegans or dislike vegans, people who believe in The Big Guy In The Sky, or who waste their time and mine arguing that there is no Big Guy In The Sky, people who don’t know when Beethoven flourished, people who do, people who suppose Stephen Hawking is not a fraudulent mute, people who have good things to say about somebody or other – I don’t care who – and, finally, anybody who has a life expectancy of more than eight months.


I want Mayor Bloomberg to get after all these mufuhs. And if he has a shovel, he should get himself out to Montefiore Cemetery, dig up the remains of my mother and piss all over her.

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  1. In my part of Westchester County, we used to say “Muthas,” with the first syllable accented. But maybe some of the guys in Brownsville spoke with a lithp.

  2. Lincoln’s military service (in the Blackhawk war or 1832) lasted only 80 days, and he joked that the only blood he lost was to the mosquitoes. Yet, he presided, as Commander-in-Chief, over the victorious Union army in one of the bloodiest wars in the history of mankind. What are valid qualifications for so crucial a job? Shall an obstetrician and all those who recognize him as such be required to have given birth?

  3. The essential qualification for an obstetrician is that she have a vagina. “Commander-in-chief” is English for the German “Fuehrer,” a term not accepted in polite socialist society. Alternative terms for “commander-in-chief” are schmuck, prick, imbecile, vicious egoist and, of course, President of the United States.

  4. I did not mean my list to be exhaustive. Others who need to be mentioned are misanthropes and people born after June 30, 1949 who sell aleve and/or ibuprofen.

  5. Nonpragmatic writing should make some kind of sense.

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