Not unusually, philosophers get things backward. Since the days of Descartes, they have haggled over the meaning of “Cogito, ergo sum.” Some claim that “sum” is an inference from “Cogito” but the majority now think (as I do) that existing is, in some ineffable way perhaps, part and parcel of thinking. You can’t have one without the other. Thus, it is not like, “I like cherry soda; therefore I exist.” It is not like “I hate maraschino cherries; therefore I exist.” In the latter two cases it seems that you can exist without either of those proclivities and, at most, you would infer of anyone who hated maraschino cherries or liked cherry soda that he existed. Those activities are not deeply imbedded into the nature of existence.

That is why, to avoid mistakes, instead of saying “Kvetch, ergo sum” I choose to reverse the order. I want to make clear you can’t possibly have existence without kvetching. Not, in any case, if you are Jewish.

Consider the little old lady, sitting on a park bench, dying of thirst. She is mumbling, “Oy, am I thirsty. Oy, am I thirsty.” She is almost near death when a young man comes by and says, “Madame, I have plenty of fresh water in my knapsack. Permit me to give you some.” She grabs the container from his hands and drinks long and deep. The Young Man: “I hope you are better, now Madame.” She throws him a scornful look and begins once more with her shrieks: “Oy, was I thirsty. Oy, was I thirsty.”

This may strike you as funny but I hope you realize it is not intended to be a joke. What we have is the quintessential Jew being quintessentially Jewish. The proof of her existence is in her kvetching. Long live the YIDENE.

There is no such thing as a Jewish atheist although most contemporary Jews don’t believe in a God; moreover, a disproportionately large number of non-believers are Jewish. Completely irrelevant. Now for some things completely relevant:

1. My host, meaning to be nice, puts a glass of milk for me to drink on the table alongside the meat dish he intends for me to eat. Instead, I vomit into the plate.
2. I happen to know, not merely think, that Edward G. Robinson and Paul Muni are the two greatest movie stars of all time.
3. I know for an indubitable fact, that when Palestinians say one thing and are contradicted by Israelis, that the Palestinians are swinish, dirty liars.
4. Is a fact that only goys could contest, that Albert Einstein is the smartest man who ever lived — or ever will live.

But this, like a group of lawyers drowning at the bottom of the ocean, makes only a good beginning. I could go on for hundreds of pages but why bother? It is all so incontrovertible.

As JFK put it: “Ask not why the Jew complains. Ask why that guy hiding in the back of the room claims to be a Jew when he does not evince a sign of anguish and agony. Deeply mysterious. I know a “Jew” (or so he says) who denies that Jews are mentally superior to all other people. You know he is a fraud, a plant in our midst. Not a clever one, either. Could it really be, aftselakhis, that he is Jewish? Sure. And it is logically possible that Al Silver is a champion of Santa Claus mythology — but don’t bet your bottom dollar on it.

I think we have all the evidence we need that Mick Jagger is Jewish because he wailed at us a million times, “Can’t get no satisfaction.” When one reflects on the fact that even at the age of 55, Mick was getting laid and receiving blow jobs five times daily from teenagers, what else can explain his dissatisfaction other than that he is true blue Jewish?

What did the Jews do to express appreciation when Big Mo led them out into the desert? they said, “For this verschlecterer land you led us out of Egypt? For this lousy chunk of matzoh, you want us to be grateful?” So they drove Big Mo crazy and, he alone, did not reach the Promised Land. Instead, his schwarze kid brother, Hammering Hank Aaron became king of the Long Drive. Aaron humped his sister Miriam on a daily basis for decades and for that we are all grateful because it gives us the justification we need for our masturbatory fantasies concerning our own sisters. And if you push such fantasies out of your mind, I know you are not really Jewish.

All this genius I am pouring forth is making me oysgematert but before i quit to cuss all you Goys out I will go on a little longer. Of course, you should lign in dr’erd but I can wait. Have i not already been waiting for 3000 years for something good? Hak mir nitsht ken tshaynik with your grubby goyishe idea as to how to write about yiddishkeit. Remember, I have forgotten more in the last ten minutes than you ever knew. Pay attention, Goy! You are a freaky Jesus lover but this you should know, if nothing else: nisht geshtoygn un nisht gefloygen. In other words, it done didn’t happen. The only way you get to heaven is by hitching a ride to MARS aboard a Christian ship called Rover. How fitting that it is named for an animal that is treyf.
Please rise for the playing of the Jewish national anthem:

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